Soul Mate Sham?

If you make up your mind before you read this entire post, you just may think I’ve turned into Buzz Killjoy.

But, if you do happen to make it to the end, this post might just save your current or future relationship.

Recently, a friend of mine posted the following question on his Facebook page.

“Nowadays it’s so easy for women and men to cheat, and it’s so hard for them to stay faithful! Shouldn’t it be the other way around?”

Now, I have no idea if this is something my friend is personally dealing with, or if he was just thinking out loud.

Regardless, it got me wondering about the current divorce rate.

And whether or not “cheating” is the reason, I found the statistics for the divorce rate in America stunning.

I’ll admit that it didn’t surprise me that the divorce rate is 41%, but I wasn’t prepared for what I learned next.

The divorce rate in America climbs to 60% for those who give marriage a second try, and then skyrockets to a fail rate of 73% for those strolling down the aisle for a third time.

Apparently, people just don’t learn their lesson when it comes to marriage.

This is probably the point where some of you might make the mistake of refusing to continue listening to someone who sounds so anti-marriage, right?

Well, despite the fact that I’m on my second go around, I’m still very much in favor of marriage.

Most relationships fail because there is a deeper cause lurking under the surface.

The real cause in nearly every one of these heartbreaking situations is our built-in craving to be “filled up” by our significant others, friends, family members, careers, social status…you name it.

It’s the very same craving that prompted Columbus to search for The New World; the race to the moon, the Hubble Telescope, and most recently, the rover mission on Mars.

And whether we admit it or not, we are all hard-wired with this deep desire.

Ironically, however, we’re all searching for something that isn’t in this world, galaxy or universe – at least physically anyway.

The truth is, no matter what Jerry Maguire said, no other human can “complete” us, regardless of how giddy we feel in “the moment.”

Perhaps no one has explained this better than fourth-century philosopher and theologian Saint Augustine.

“You have made us for yourself, Lord, and our hearts are restless until they rest in you,”

Fundamentally, we are the created longing for our Creator.

And when we acknowledge this, it can begin to help us avoid terrible relational outcomes.

Many often confuse the urge of always needing something better or something more for being dissatisfied with their significant other – at which point they sometimes begin looking for other potential mates, break things off, or just as unfortunate, they settle for an unhappy relationship.

You see, until we find what we ultimately yearn for, we will continue to hold unfair expectations on our spouses or girl/boyfriends despite the fact that they could never completely fulfill us in the first place.

The only one who can do that is Jesus.

When we put Him at the center of our lives and let Him fill us up, we no longer have the urge for something better or something more.

As a result, we can then start to apply proper expectations on our relationships; even if we’re not in a relationship yet because our decisions for entering the next relationship will be based on our wants instead of our needs.

Simply put, if we are already full, there is no need for someone else to fill us up.

In other words, if we have a quadrillion dollars in the bank, how can “thousand dollar” acts like conflicts, communication breakdowns, financial problems, difference in priorities/goals, laziness, religious differences, hurtful words, etc. ever deeply hurt or displease us?

Obviously this doesn’t mean harmful behavior or abuse should be overlooked.

There are certainly times when outside intervention  – and yes, as a last resort, even ending the relationship – is necessary.

But for the most part, if we’re already spiritually filled up, and not subconsciously depending on someone to “complete us,” it’s no longer the “end of the world” or some kind of cosmic sign that our “soul mate” is still out there somewhere.

Our “soul mate” is Jesus.

Please understand, I am NOT saying religion is the answer, at least not “society’s idea” of religion anyway.

Millions only consider God, Jesus, the Bible, religion and church as objects that provide “good advice,” or a way to “live right.”

But the Gospel (the story and meaning of Jesus’ life) is so much more than that.

The Gospel is good news, not good advice.

And the good news is this:

If we fill our life with Jesus from the inside out, we will discover that we don’t need anyone or anything to satisfy us from the outside in ever again.

When this happens, the probability of us finding and staying with the one we’re with becomes infinitely more likely.

Breaking through the Looking Glass

Glass and silver; two very simple substances that have little or nothing to do with the human body.

However, adhere one of these to the back of the other and together they create an object that has influenced the human race for centuries.

The mirror.

Some people spend way too much time in front of them, and yet others avoid them like a used car salesman, but if we’re honest, we’re all mesmerized by what we detect in our reflection.

Problem is, nearly all of us are deceived by what we see.

We either see ourselves as being much better or much worse than we really are, but in almost all cases it’s just a reflective lie.

For example, not long ago I had a conversation with a friend who confided in me that she has always struggled with loving herself as much as she knows God loves her.

To be honest, this completely shocked me because she is one of most compassionate, sincere and heartfelt people I’ve ever met in my life.

And though perhaps a little past her “prime,” unbeknownst to her, she still very much possesses a classy, mature beauty that thousands of other women stay awake at night wishing they had.

Then again, that’s the cruel trick our reflection seems to play on us all.

The fact is, our friend the mirror has a close cousin doing the real work behind the glass and reflective silver coating.

Pride.

Perhaps C.S. Lewis said it best in his classic Mere Christianity when he wrote:

“Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next (person).  It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest. Once the element of competition is gone, pride is gone.”    

To give you an idea of how profound this really is, think about how the mirror spins it web – even for those who actually like what they see looking back at them.

They usually feel great about themselves right up until the moment they are in the company of a roomful of people who are more handsome or prettier than they are.

Sadly, the unattractive feel repulsive around the average, the average feel inferior around the pretty, the pretty feel unattractive around the beautiful, the beautiful feel ugly around the gorgeous and the gorgeous feel unsightly around the stunning.

The point is, very few of us – if any of us – ever see ourselves for what we really are, but instead, just as mere comparisons to others.

But here’s the catch, one of the biggest reasons we all struggle with self-worth is because we hardly ever stop long enough to consider what’s happening when we do that.

Think about it, when we peer into the mirror, we have the benefit (or misfortune) to see ourselves along with a lifelong knowledge of all our personal insecurities, blemishes, scars, faults, imperfections, etc.

The tendency is for us to wish that if we could just change this or that about ourselves we would finally be happy, but the problem is we would still have trouble seeing past ourselves.

We would still end up comparing our inward selves with the facade of those we know relatively little about.

Don’t you see, we view others, especially the ones we really admire or “wished we were more like,” from a completely different and unfair vantage point.

We usually see them at their best, or at the very least, we rarely see them at their worst.

Now, I’m not saying we should go around assuming those people are shattered wrecks on the inside.

But the odds are these individuals have blemishes, faults and imperfections they see in the mirror too – maybe even insecurities they would be horrified over if we ever found out about them.

Now, you would think the key is to somehow convince ourselves to simply look at our reflection in a better light.

But as I pointed out earlier, even that can be just another prideful trap for us to become ensnared in.

If we want genuine freedom from our reflection, we should look at the cross instead of the mirror.

Tim Keller, a pastor and New York Times best-selling author puts it like this:

“The Christian gospel is that I am so flawed that Jesus had to die for me, yet I am so loved and valued that Jesus was glad to die for me. This leads to deep humility and deep confidence at the same time. It undermines both swaggering and sniveling. I cannot feel superior to anyone, and yet I have nothing to prove to anyone. I do not think more of myself nor less of myself. Instead, I think of myself less.”

So the next time you walk into your workplace, a classroom, a restaurant, church or wherever, and you begin to negatively compare yourself with those around you, let your mind gaze on Jesus.

Everything He did there was for you, and it had nothing to do with your waistline, hairline or complexion; had nothing to with your I.Q., career or how many zeros you have in your bank account; nothing to do with the place you live in, how white your teeth are, the people you know or how many friends/followers you have on Facebook or Twitter.

No, He came here precisely to teach, serve, suffer and die, and He did it for us – the imperfectly perfect us.

Knowing this should change the way we inwardly compare ourselves with others because each one of was intentionally and specifically hand-crafted by the very same perfect God that created the most picturesque views in the Universe.

But most of all, it is my prayer that it also drastically changes the way we look at the one who stares back at us from our reflection.

Because true freedom will only come when we’re able to look through the mirror, and instead, see Jesus gazing back at us in amazement and adoration from the other side.

Healing our Hoarding

My wife Amanda and I were watching the television show Hoarders: Buried Alive the other night when a depressing thought occurred to me.

Could that ever happen to me?

So many of us watch shows like this and think “how could these people live like that?” or “how could they let things get so far before getting help?”

And that’s when the thought hit me…maybe we’re ALL in danger of falling victim to the perils of extreme hoarding.

But the kind of hoarding I’m referring to, however, can’t be seen by the human eye and is exponentially more threatening to our lives than a home stacked waist-high in a cluttered mess.

No, the extreme hoarding I’m talking about is extreme Emotional Hoarding, and it is wedged deep within the darkest reaches of our souls.

A big reason for this is because we live in a society that tells us to be independently strong, to stand on our own two feet, to pick ourselves up by our own bootstraps, and that any sign of fear is a cowardly display of weakness.

I certainly don’t want to minimize the positives of a healthy self esteem, but many of the people we think of as having a healthy self esteem are internally petrified amidst a pile of Emotional Hoarding debris.

Tragically, Emotional Hoarding is born from our inability and unwillingness to confess – not just our sins, but all our secret fears, doubts, guilt, insecurities, habits, addictions, etc. – even to the ones nearest and dearest to us.

Much like the TV show where the homes can look normal on the outside, our outward appearance may seem just fine, but that is only because we have constructed a stone fortress wall around our hearts that hold all these things – fearing someone might see through to those dark secrets.

But, unlike the subjects on TV, the effects of this silent, inward suffering produces a terrifying psychological hardening, never allowing us to feel 100% free or comfortable in our own skin because “if anyone knew ________ about me, they’d never feel the same about me again.”

Now, I totally get how difficult it is to just voluntarily open ourselves up to others about very personal subjects, but think of a world where we could actually do just that?

I’m sure you’re wondering that even if we could, how would that help us mend such deep scars?

Well, just imagine if you came home from work one day, turned on the TV and suddenly heard your name and every – and I do mean EVERY – sin, secret and insecurity only you knew about yourself being broadcast in HD on the evening news?

Just the thought of that makes us ill, right?

However, if you really think about it, though it might be the most frightening moment of our life, it would also serve as the most freeing moment of our life too.

Yes, it would be crushing to hear, but as soon as it was all out there, we would no longer have to fear someone finding out the unthinkable about us anymore.

In the New Testament, James tells us in chapter 5 that we should “Confess our sins to each other and pray for each other so that WE may be healed.”

Again, a scary thought, I know.

But I think we have to ask ourselves, is it any more dreadful than living in a world where a grieving widow can’t bear to let anyone find out about the horrible guilt he carries because a hurtful argument was the last time he spoke to his wife before she suddenly died?

Or where a woman who finally feels she has found the love of her life but is riddled with terror that he might find out about her promiscuous past?

All because “if anyone knew ________ about me, they’d never feel the same about me.”

I think author Donald Miller put it best when he wrote, “I have sometimes wondered if the greatest desire of man(kind) is to be (fully) known and loved anyway.”

So how do we at least begin the healing process?

Where do we start?

Well, the first thing we need to understand is that despite what the world may tell us, we need to start by admitting our weakness to ourselves – that we, like SO many others are simply a little broken inside.

If you ask me, THAT takes amazing strength!

It’s actually the key that we recognize our weakness, because that’s when we’ll finally realize we need the power of something/someone much stronger than ourselves to get through something so enormous.

But many of us don’t have someone we feel close enough to dump our baggage on, and even if we do, we fear losing their love or respect if we were to spill it all out on them.

What about Jesus?

I mean it’s not like He doesn’t already know what has built this massive wall around our heart anyway.

Just start getting alone for about 15-30 minutes at a time and just talk to Him, no fancy prayers or words, no pretense, no more hiding from shame.

And please don’t underestimate what you think He might say to you.

If you pour your heart out to Him, eventually He will pour Himself into your heart.

Then maybe with His strength you’ll be able to take the next step and confide in someone else without the fear of vulnerability.

Because all we really need is to just hear someone say, “Really? Is that ALL you were worried about? That could never change how much I love you.”

Let Jesus be the first to tell you this and then the healing process will finally begin.